Cats. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're here to stay and it just so happens that as a general rule, I like them. Well, most of them but lately, I have noticed that there are a few new kitties running around the grounds here at 'Elk headquarters and that has raised an eyebrow or two. My 9- year old Golden Retriever couldn't catch a cold, but she sure has been sweating these new kits being in the yard and if she ever did get lucky and nab one, well, it would be off to feline heaven for a certain "slower than he should have been" cat.

   Now, we have two waist- high Foundation bushes next to the garage door in the front of the 'Elkcave and it seems that these new kitty cats like to camp out there during the afternoon and wait for my birds and squirrels to stop by the feeder we have hanging just above these bushes. They have been terrorizing my little nature friends and so when Lee brought this guitar in and played it for the first time, the seed of an idea was planted in my little mind. On the initial hearing, I noticed that this guitar sounded hotter than the usual Standards that we get and I asked why, pray tell this would be so. Lee responded that this axe has a pair of Rio Grande Texas/BBQ pickups in it and they instantly revert it to "hotrod" status. Yes folks, this guitar sounds as mean as a cornered wombat, so I knew it was exactly the "guitar of mass destruction" I would need to teach these wayward cats a lesson in civility.
 

  I knew that these hombres didn't usually ease on over to the bird feeder until the warm afternoon sun hits my Foundation bushes, so early one Monday morning, I gently rolled a Soldano Hotrod 50 and a 2 x 12 cab out to the walk and placed them right next to that set of bushes. We ran our usual errands for the day and when we returned, I cut the amp on and turned it up to 6 (that's a great number for any Soldano amp to be on when you want to get someone's attention). I ran a cable to this guitar and set it on Lee's bench. We were cleaning cases that day, so we were both in the garage and I told Lee of my plan to discombobulate the feline felons for trespassing. He, of course called me an idiot, but after some persistent cajoling, agreed to assist me in the dirty deed. Like I said, we were both in the garage and I'm keeping my eyes out for these little bastards when I eventually seen two of the three ease across my front yard and into the bushes. Now I'm as itchy as a winter wool sweater because timing is everything and I know that the amp is about as hot as it can get, so I get Lee to strap on the guitar and at my signal, he eased the two volume knobs up to max and let rip with the angriest A chord he could muster.
 

  I had a direct view of the following; When Lee hit that chord, those two cats shot out of the bushes simultaneously- one went straight up into the Crape Myrtle that holds the bird feeder and stuck there like it was glued to the tree. Ears back, eyes wide open and completely freaked out. The other cat made a beeline towards a culvert opening across the yard, but didn't realize that there was a piece of wooden lattice covering the front and proceeded to bounce off it, run around in a circle (meowing loudly) and then take off for its own yard across the street. This action was quickly followed by my aging Golden Retriever spying the cat and making chase. All the while, the cat in the Crepe Myrtle is completely freaking out because Lee is hitting the same A chord over and over and I'm trying to get him to stop, but I can't breathe from laughing so much and he's completely ignoring me. Now my neighbor, Margie (the owner of these critters) is standing in her driveway, yelling my name because my dog has cat #2 treed and is running around the base of it, barking her head off. All the while, Lee has been repeating the A chord from hell at high volume and we now have what is known as "one hell of a mess."
 

  So I finally get Lee to stop his playing and, still laughing/ crying head out to retrieve my Retriever. I get up to the top of Margie's driveway and she proceeds to undress me with a barrage of language a seasoned sailor would be proud to spew. I take the verbal whippin', but I'm still laughing and trying to get the dog corralled, so now she's even madder than before. I grab the dog, assure Margie that this wouldn't have happened if her cats weren't messing with my birds in the first place and then head back to the 'Elkcave (she's still talking at me all the way down her driveway). As I go into the garage, I notice that the first cat is gone, but I can still hear him meowing, so I look up and there, in the top of that Crepe Myrtle, sits little Blackie, now devoid of any conscious thought. "Serves you right," I said and went inside.

   In the weeks since this occurrence, I've not seen the cats in the yard again and now we've got this guitar cleaned up, photographed and ready to go. I'd say that the moral to the story is, if you want a guitar that makes a statement, costs under two grand and can save your birds from a couple of stupid cats in under 5 seconds, here's your axe. Believe me, it's already served us well, as it will you...